25 September, 2005

Fear and Loathing, Question of the Day, I Refuse to Read Cold Mountain Again

Fear and Loathing
OK, so you know how I do therapy on myself? I have a minor in psychology and I am pretty intuitive and it is really important to me to figure out why I do (or don't do) what I do (or don't do). So this week I have had a sort of breakthrough, but I don't know what to do with it.

Here's the deal. The radio station I listen to abruptly cancelled their 12-3 show and has replaced 12-1 with life coaches and therapists and the like. So Monday I was in the car, waiting for it to be time for a meeting, making some notes and thinking, barely listening to the radio, when I hear a guy call in who is worried about his girlfriend. She has some problems (sounds like drugs to me) and she keeps promising to do better, says she knows she has to do better, but then does the same thing again. Hmmm...sounds familiar. I put my notes away and turn up the volume.

The therapist, Dr. Bev I believe, says this girl is engaging in a pattern of self-sabotage. Dr. Tom says that self-sabotage is born of fear. What is she so afraid of? What does she fear that is keeping her from doing what she says she will do?

LIGHTS FLASH! BELLS RING!!

"Self-sabotage is born of fear. What is she so afraid of? What does she fear that is keeping her from doing what she says she will do?"

This keeps reverberating in my head all week.

So I have explored it...probed it gently, carefully, like when you have a tooth that is kind of hurting but you aren't sure you want to know the extent of the pain yet.

And here is what I have come up with. Two of the places I know I am self-sabotaging are my writing and weight loss.

What am I so afraid of?
That I will actually finish something and no one will read it, publish it, buy it, like it, or make a movie out of it.

That I will write something and it will end up as a Harlequin romance instead of the great American novel.

That I will write something, it'll be great, and I won't be able to follow it up.

That I will lose the weight and, in the words of Mindy (Rachel's "best" friend on Friends) be all bitter because, it turns out, I don't have a pretty face.

That I will cheat on my husband. I have cheated on everyone I have ever dated, one way or another. The weight keeps me safe.

That I will still not get everything I want, and that I won't have the weight as a crutch. This one is a bit more complicated...let me try to explain. Someone doesn't want to be my friend? Maybe they just don't like fat people. I don't get a job? It was my weight...bad first impression. That kind of stuff.

So I have outlined here my deepest and darkest fears. And some of them are ridiculous - yes. And some of them are not. All of them are real, at least to me.

Question of the Day
So what do I do about the fear? How do I get over it, or live with it, or make it work for me instead of against me?

Dr. Bev and Dr. Tom did not offer anything to help with that.

There is a Suzy Bogguss song that says "If you can't deal me the aces, you think I wouldn't play." Well, I wouldn't. I don't. I am not a risk taker.

I am planning some research on fear and self-sabotage and moving past it- any help from you, dear reader, would be greatly appreciated as well.

I Refuse to Read Cold Mountain Again
I have felt like absolute CRAP since Wednesday - achy, fever and chills, headache, general malaise. So I have been reading. I am reading all the books I own that I have not previously read. I read Prey by Michael Crichton - SCARY! I am reading his Timeline now. Also read Nora, Nora by Anne Rivers Siddons. OK, I had read that before, but a long time ago. Next up, maybe Hannibal by Thomas Harris, maybe Blessings by Anna Quindlen, maybe True at First Light by Hemingway, maybe Toxin by Robin Cook. I hear if you read that you will never eat fast food again. Basically I am scouring my shelves for things I haven't read. I am trying to be open to new experiences, perspectives, and descriptions.

And, just so you know, if I was left alone in the world with Cold Mountain, I would cut apart the words and use them to make up something new!

sfw

1 Comments:

At 9:58 PM, Blogger Marvin said...

Cold Mountain as magnetic poetry. What a concept!

Laura wants an autographed copy of your first published work.

So what was it about Cold Mountain? The infuriating lack of quotation marks? Was it Jude Law?

I actually liked the book. I mean, Charles Frazier is no Jack London, but he's pretty darn OK.

(just pullin' your chain)

 

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